“A Vampire Weekend”

They should make a movie starring Vampire Weekend.

In the 60’s, pop acts like the Beatles and the Monkees got to star in movies as a publicity stunt to beef up their record sales. The plots of these movies (e.g. Head, and A Hard Day’s Night) weren’t ever coherent, but it didn’t matter. The movies would just create buzz for the artists and give them a chance to goof off. They should pick this trend up again to try to boost slumping album sales.

Take indie darlings Vampire Weekend. They’re a hit with college kids, and they have the perfect band name for a wacky adventure. Plus they seem sort of douchey so the audience might not mind if they get terrorized by vampires. I think it would go something like this…

(Click image above for animation)

Rock, Paper, Death

I don’t know how many of you know this, but in 1987, Sylvester Stallone made this movie. You’re probably asking yourself, “What is Over the Top?” Well, according to Wikipedia it is, I shit you not, “about a long haul truck driver who tries to win back his alienated son while becoming a champion arm wrestler.” To top it all off, Sly’s character is named “Lincoln Hawk.”

So we got to thinking, with the recent resurgence of Stallone films (Rocky, Rambo and the remake of Death Race) how could they possibly make a movie more awesome than Over the Top?

Actually, it was pretty easy. First, we replaced “arm wrestling competition” with “rock, paper, scissors league.” Second, we took “rock, paper, scissors league” and added “to the death.” If a participant loses in this league, they actually die according to what their opponent “threw.” Haha. Ha. Ha. Third, we replaced “son” with “800-pound silverback gorilla.” I don’t think I need to explain that one.

We decided to keep the cast pretty much the same and to leave Stallone’s character as a big rig trucker, cause that’s still pretty epic. You don’t have to thank us Sly, Hollywood needs to keep you around. Click the picture above for a movie poster.

Reader Submission #1

Loyal (and to date, our only) reader Michael suggests a new movie they should make:

“Honestly, I’d love to see another star wars movie. Before the hate comes, i’d like to see episode .5, the rise of palpatine. See how he’s trained as a sith, betray his master, and see his lust for power.”

Well, Michael, we don’t know much about the plot for this movie, or if any Star Wars movies ever had a screenplay before they starting shooting, but we figure the only way Lucasfilms can cast an actor more wooden than Hayden Christensen is by casting an actual pile of 2×4’s as a young Palpatine. We’re not sure how the pile’s going to do stunt work, but we figure they have some pretty talented animators over there and we’ll just let them do their thing.

“My Best Friend’s Leper”

Everyone loves Kate Hudson movies — so much that we repeatedly pay to see Kate Hudson play the same character. Kate Hudson is so spunky and full of adorable energy. She is just the cutest. Her movies are always worthwhile and never tedious. She works so well with guys she’s adorably mismatched with. What a talent. She’s using him, they’re having marital problems, they’re not right for each other, he’s being paid to act like a douche toward her, who cares? I cannot get enough Kate Hudson.

I don’t think you could make a bad Kate Hudson romantic comedy. Even if she were a leper.

Here’s how a typical Kate Hudson movie goes, with the latest twist (click image for animation, or click here for comic strip):

And then we show clips from their wedding with all the ancillary characters laughing and shit while the end credits roll. Cut and print. I will take my royalties in cash, thank you.

Campbellocracy

They should make more movies with Bruce Campbell.

Bruce Campbell got to say one of the great movie lines of all time when he answered his love interest’s “You found me beautiful once,” with “Honey, you got real ugly.” Bruce Campbell proved that a love story doesn’t always need to work out for the movie to be totally kickass. There are a lot of thinly-veiled misogynistic “man’s man” movie stars out there, but these new Campbell flicks would put them all to sham. This applies well to action/adventure epics, but it can be utilized in other genres, too:

“Green Eggs and Sam (Jackson)”

Here’s a formula for making Dr. Seuss books into movies:

ƒ($) = (linear plot) + (jokes) + (comedic star past his prime)

(see: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “The Cat in the Hat” )

They should make a movie that redefines Dr. Seuss movies kind of like “Sin City” redefined comic book movies. The first step is to get edgier stars, so that’s why Sam Jackson will be starring in the big screen adaptation of “Green Eggs and Ham.”

Click the image for the animation.

John McCain Biopic

They should make a movie where Tom Cruise plays a young John McCain. They could have Tom Cruise walking around his naval flight school while people call him a “Maverick.” Then Tom Cruise could get in people’s faces and show them he’s got attitude. He could carry himself with a real chip on his shoulder right up until the first flight sequence. Tom’s “character” would have a lot of talent as a pilot, but he would be “intent on breaking every USNA regulation.” You might even call him a “hothead.”

Tom’s hotheaded pilot character could also spend parts of the movie using cool-sounding lingo to describe being shot at by Russian missiles and being “inverted.”

But it’s still important to remember that this biopic on John McCain will be totally different from “Top Gun.”

Also, there could be gay innuendo.

“[Capitalizing on our Popularity]“

“The Office” is a funny show. I like funny shows. I like the actors on the show. They are funny. You know what? I’d like to see individual actors from “The Office” in feature films playing leading roles very similar to their characters on the “The Office.” That way it’s like I’m watching my favorite characters one at a time. And paying for it instead of watching for free.

In “The 40-Year-Old Virgin,” Michael Scott plays a mild-mannered 40-something with no friends and a lot of weird idiosyncrasies.

In “Leatherheads,” Jim plays a mild mannered 20-something with a sense of humor and extreme modesty. He also pines after a girl a lot.

In “The Rocker,” Dwight plays a really creepy guy with over-the-top antics and the maturity of a small child.

Is is too soon to cast Toby in a remake of “Lost in Translation?”

They should make movies with all the actors on “The Office.” I’d like to see Pam in a movie where she plays a shy, but pretty young woman who finally takes control of her life by throwing caution to the wind and going after the guy she digs. I love watching Pam on “The Office,” so why not go see the same character at the box office too? They should call it … “Blades of Glory.”

Wow, you know what? I just realized I love all the characters from “The Office.” Instead of watching them each in their own movies, they should just make one movie that has all of them. Or maybe just one TV show.

“Shia in Charge”

They should make a new movie with Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf is about 14 years old and stars in movies where he plays roles usually going to actors who have been playing grown-ups for decades. We like watching Shia LaBeouf play roles like this because it reminds us of when we were six and we tried on our parents’ clothes.

Haha. That was silly! Those clothes were way too big for us.

Let’s get some more Shia ASAP. They should make a movie where Shia LaBeouf does something only grown-ups do, like run for president.

He could make his eyes really wide and ask a lot of questions and act confused and then he could jump off a building or drive a car really fast and we would all go see it because there’s nothing we like better than Shia LeBeouf.

Click on the picture above to see an exclusive animated sneak peak of Shia’s next movie, or click here to see a comic strip.